I attended my younger brother’s wedding last year when during the groom’s speech he referred to himself as ‘middle-aged’. That’s funny, I thought, he’s eleven years younger than me; if he’s middle-aged, then what am I? Well, of course he was wrong, as younger brothers so often are. He’s not even forty yet! However, I do have to accept that it would be quite fair to say that I am middle-aged. I turned 50 last year, so I am almost certainly over half-way through my life and quite possibly, well past that milestone.

We hear that this is the time of life when men experience a mid-life crisis signified by a range of symptoms, such as loss of libido, fatigue, identity confusion or a sense of urgency. The stereotype is the middle-aged man who suddenly turns up in a leather jacket and fast car with a younger woman in tow. Well, my wife is one and half years younger than me, but that’s the only resemblance.

Passing the half century mark makes a good time for reflection. When once my professional and career aspirations dominated my thoughts of the future, I now find that they are far less important. I am fortunate that I have a job that I enjoy and find rewarding and now my main career aspiration is to continue to work in a job that I enjoy and find rewarding until I retire (sooner rather than later if possible!). Not particularly ambitious, you might say, but I find my ambitions now lie elsewhere.

I want to share as much time with my children as I can before they reach the point where they may not appreciate my interest as much. I want to help them overcome life’s hurdles and share in their small victories. I want to answer their questions and listen to their passions. I want to nurture my relationship with my wife so that when we retire we will both be keen to spend more time together. I want to pursure my hobbies and interests. I want to continue to travel and explore. I want to do some good in this world. I want to try to be kinder.

We are often asked what we want our legacy to be. I’m not sure I have a good answer. Of course, our children are a major part of our legacy and I wish to instill in them the principles and practices which are close to my heart. But beyond that, I feel I am still finding my way and tentatively seeking an answer. Perhaps slowing down is not a bad thing, neither is being uncertain about the future nor not having a particular path laid out to follow.

I now see younger professionals so keen to show how much they know and so sure of their own knowledge and opinions. I don’t judge them, as I was once like that myself. But I do take pleasure in accepting how little I know. The world is complex, so often not black and white but full of a multitude of greys. Social media is dominated by confirmation bias as we seek opinions that support a polarised view of the world. It’s the language of us and them; you’re either with us or against us. Cancel culture dampens dialogue, crushes compromise, stifles analysis and defenestrates reason. While proponents of ‘free speech’ often use it to justify their own hateful and xenophobic agendas, the counter position lessens us all by preventing intellectual debate.

So, I have decided to rejoice in my own uncertainty. I’ve come to realise that wisdom is not knowing more but recognising how little one knows. I will be inquisitive and questioning. I will try not to instantly commit myself to a particular position but listen more and argue less. I will seek to understand different perspectives and use empathy as a strength. I will try to learn something new and find happiness in small things each day, especially since I do not know how many days I have left.

So, I really don’t feel that my life is at a point of crisis but at a point of chrysalis, waiting for what emerges. Not so much donning a leather jacket but rather shedding one. I am excited by what the future holds. Perhaps not in a young exhuberent way but in a calm inquisitive way. There’s still so much to learn and to unlearn, to see and to sense, to love and to cherish. May the mid-life butterfly take flight!